It shouldn’t amaze me that God can use our basest emotions to draw us to himself, but he does. You’d think God would call on our noble qualities, our quest for goodness, or our use of logic. Maybe he does with other people but not with me; he used my intense jealousy.
After my initial adult conversion at 22, I attended Mass regularly. By the time I was 24 I was getting divorced and between my ignorance of the Church, my non-compliant streak, and how often I slept in after a night out, I wasn’t attending Mass very often.
By the time my eldest child was preparing to leave for college, I had been remarried civilly for several years and my life had stabilized. With my children growing up I began to feel an emptiness that was deeper than just experiencing an empty nest. I considered going back to church consistently, but I felt like the Catholics wouldn’t want me as I was divorced. I had looked into a decree of nullity a few years earlier but the priest seemed insensitive so I hadn’t pursued it further. I considered going to the Christian Reformed church because of our shared Dutch background, but I didn’t think I could fit into their mold. I also thought about going to the Anglican church but I could not accept their beliefs on their communion. Then the sex abuse scandal exploded onto the front pages. I announced I was done with the Catholic church forever.
At the same time I would cry in frustration when I drove by the Church due to my self-inflicted exile. I still believed in the Real Presence and wanted to receive Communion, but I had not resolved my marriage impediment. I still desired to belong to a spiritual institution, but couldn't figure out where I fit in. As the abuse scandals raged on in the media I remembered our former bishop had to resign in disgrace 6 years earlier. I should've been happy I wasn't involved with the Catholic church but I was not.
Then a family member began dating a girl who would bring him to Mass on Sundays. I figured he was mainly doing it to impress her because he had never shown the slightest interest in the church prior to this. I don’t know if he received the Eucharist but he could’ve – he wasn’t the one with a divorce and a subsequent civil marriage – I was! I was insanely jealous that he had the opportunity to receive Communion and I could not. I told myself that I understood the Eucharist, I knew it was Jesus, I had taught children preparing for their First Communions, and I had even been an Extraordinary Minister of Communion at one time. I was outraged!
It’s almost comical to look back on my reaction to this situation but at the time I was truly indignant. And jealous – so jealous! I wasn’t angry with my family member – I was angry with myself. I had painted myself into a corner by my own actions. So, I did the only thing I could do after announcing I was done with the Church – I went back!
It was the first Sunday of Advent and the parish had just welcomed their new priest that very day. He said he was from New York City and I felt an instant connection. Near the end of the homily, he invited lapsed Catholics to come and talk to him about correcting their situations. I was in tears before Mass was over and I sobbed all the way home. The Holy Spirit knew I needed to hear that invitation.
There were still obstacles to overcome but being invited to come back and work with the priest to sort things out was very appealing. I had always felt like a loner at church but this invitation made me feel I belonged. There was so much power in that invitation. I am so thankful that the priest was open to the promptings of the Spirit, to be the voice of Jesus inviting me home.
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