Wounds and Scars

I had coffee with a friend the other day and somehow we started talking about scars from the past. I mentioned that Jesus still manifests the wounds from the nails and the spear on his body. I don’t think too many people give much thought to that. I couldn’t understand it myself for a long time until I read that it is a visible reminder of what Jesus did for us.

I often wish I could have selective amnesia so I would stop getting flashbacks. But then I remember the wounds of Jesus and a beautiful quote from Mother Angelica. She said, 

“Some of your pain will never go away. It will become our hidden cross, known to you and God alone. This is the cross of Jesus…Our lives are not some kind of spiritual endurance test designed to see how much punishment and humiliation we can take from the world in despair. But we do accept responsibility to radiate the love of Jesus to the world. And part of that responsibility calls us to accept whatever it is that comes our way with a loving detachment…Jesus’ act of forgiveness did not take away his pain. And your forgiveness will not take away yours.”

I almost want to say – then why bother forgiving?!

We often hear that we’ll never fully understand why most of the injustices we suffer have been permitted by God. We’re told that in the next life we will know why and even thank God for bringing good out of our suffering. No wonder St. Teresa of Avila told God that if this is how he treats his friends it’s no wonder he has so few of them.

In the Old Testament the prophet Habakkuk asked God how long he’d have to call him for help, help that never seemed to arrive when needed.

How long, Lord, must I call for help,
    but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!”
    but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
    Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
    there is strife, and conflict abounds.

Habakkuk wants knowledge of good and evil. Ask Adam and Eve how that went for them…

Do I want knowledge of good and evil? Or am I going to forgive and bless my enemies and let God deal with them?

I think I have my answer. I think I actually just had a breakthrough!

Keep Going?

Brothers and sisters, Christ did not send me to baptize but to proclaim the gospel, and not with eloquent wisdom, so that the cross of Christ might not be emptied of its power. ~ 1 Cor 1:17

Well, there you have it – I was sent to proclaim the gospel but not with eloquent wisdom! St. Paul said it and now I am saying it. It makes me feel better about my blog too – sometimes I just don’t know what to write about and sometimes I wonder who my 2 readers are. Sometimes I lament my poor grammar, especially when I run it through the online writing assistant. 

I started this project a month ago to see if I had a writing charism. I’ll write for a few more weeks and then I may mothball the project…or not. It really depends on what God wants me to do. I am open to whatever he wants but I am looking for some feedback. NOT compliments. No. A charism is given to someone in order to be given away. So if the blog has touched you then please let me know. You're also free to send others a link - it is public.

One other thought regarding readership, perhaps this blog is meant to be a daily journal that will only be read and distributed after my death. If that is God’s will then it’s mine too. 

Filling Tires and Souls

My husband filled my bike tires the other day. All of a sudden, it’s easier to ride my bike. I don’t have to pedal so hard and I am not tiring as quickly. I biked over 10 kilometres today and I feel pretty good.

Being filled with the Holy Spirit is like filling your tires. You're more supported so you can work more effectively. You’ll have more strength and more stamina.

Even when I haven’t been on my bike in a few weeks my body remembers what to do. It feels especially good to get out and ride when I’ve been moping alone in the house for too long. All of a sudden, my blood is pumping and it’s so good to breathe in the fresh air.

It's the same with the Holy Spirit. I might be languishing in my sloth but then he comes along and gets the spiritual muscles moving and I quickly remember how good it is to be doing his work!

A New Garment

I love it when beautiful random memories pop up. This is one of them. 💕

It was a very warm day when she wandered into the shop where I was working. She walked up to my counter and asked me for a pair of scissors. I probably took a step back mentally if not physically. I wondered if she wanted to hurt herself.

I slowly opened my drawer and took the scissors out. I reluctantly handed them to her and asked her what she needed them for. She told me she was hot and was going to cut the long sleeves off her shirt. I am sure I looked at her like she was crazy.

She took the scissors to her left sleeve and started cutting. She was serious! It was more difficult to cut the right sleeve with her left hand. As she did this, she babbled away to me, telling me she was in town for a relative’s funeral and in her culture, and she was supposed to wear the same clothes for several days. I wasn’t sure if she was putting me on or not, and I wasn’t going to ask because she was holding a sharp object!

She then announced she was going to cut her pant legs shorter. By this time, she had won my heart with her openness so I offered to cut the pant legs for her. It was coffee time in the shop and the managers were out back so I quickly sent up a prayer that they wouldn’t decide to return early, and also that the phone would not ring.

I went around the counter and proceeded to cut her outfit. I didn’t do a very good job – the cuts were somewhat jagged. I could have sent her into the public washroom and asked her to hand her pants out to me but I figured that was going to backfire. I knew if the managers saw what was happening, they’d be making rude and cruel remarks about this woman for the rest of the day. I couldn’t bear the thought of that happening.

When I was done, I stood up and she gave me a delighted grin. She reached for my hands and held them in hers and thanked me. I gave her a little blessing and she thanked me again. Then she was off into the hot sunshine in her new “shorts.” I wondered if she might regret her actions and come back to berate me but I never saw her again.

Wherever she is, I hope she is well.

A Lesson From the Past

I just have to say I love writing this blog. I will think I have a topic and I'm all set to write about that but then the Holy Spirit pops into my mind with other ideas (I call it Popcorn from the Holy Spirit) and off we go in whatever direction He wills. Today's post is definitely one of those posts. 😄🔥

Facebook Messenger…where messages never die. I bet I could find some lost socks from the dryer in my FB mailbox too. I was scrolling through old messages and deleting them when I hit paydirt! I found a series of long-lost messages between me and one of my cousins about our uncle’s decision to be euthanized (blog post coming soon). I found a very terse message written to someone I had a very difficult relationship with. I also discovered a scathing review of a certain person’s behaviour at a wedding I attended. I had no idea I could be that vicious. Wow. This is what is so fabulous about writing – you can see how you have (hopefully!) grown, matured and mellowed...and forgiven.

The messages were all dated 2011. It’s hard to believe that was 9 years ago already! The following year I attended my first healing retreat and that’s when I started down the road to living my life in the Spirit. Up until that time I had been laying a foundation that was all about following the letter of the law. I knew all the rules and regulations, when to do this particular thing, when to do that thing, for how long, what to read, what to say, what to think. I was very scrupulous because worldly values had only hurt me. I figured if I followed all these church rules, I would be safe. I suppose I was but I am quite sure I did not attract one person to a life of faith with my rigidity. I had my piety in order but to a degree, I was still dead inside.

Each healing retreat I went on could be the subject of individual blog posts but that will come at another time. The two things they all had in common though was that forgiveness and repentance are the keys to freedom. But don’t ask me how you can measure and calculate that because it will be different for each person and each situation you need to deal with. Different retreats will have different methods to help you get to the root of your particular circumstances but I’ve made the most progress at ones that have daily Mass, plenty of opportunities for the Sacrament of Reconciliation, group time, private one on one time with a leader, and free time. And Kleenex. Lots and lots and lots of Kleenex!

I’ve been on retreats where I cried multiple times a day for 9 days in a row. It was like a dam breaking. All that pent up hurt and all those thoughts I couldn’t bear to express or didn’t have the words to articulate, they all came gushing out. And just when you think you’re done there’s more. But it’s good, it’s all good.

In a way, a retreat is like going up a ladder. You can’t climb to the top in one giant step. You have to go up rung by rung. Sometimes you have to examine the rung to make sure your foot is actually on it and then you can reach up and go a little higher. The further up you go the more disoriented you may feel but if you’ve got your spotter and the ladder is on a steady foundation then you will get there.

I bought a lot of books over the years trying to figure out how to find peace. I’ve talked to a lot of people about what has hurt me. Some were friends, some were paid professionals. I’ve journaled until my pen ran out of ink or my laptop overheated. But in the end, there are just some things that only Jesus can heal.

Rainbows, sheep and fires

I just spent about an hour listening to music from my younger days. Now I have to play something from the relaxation channel to settle down because I’ve scratched up a lot of memories. Funny how music can do that. Scents too.

There was a rainbow late Sunday afternoon. The funny thing about a rainbow – to see it you have to have your back against the sun and you have to look at the rain. I’m sure there is a spiritual lesson there somewhere…

That reminds me of a story about a sheep that was lost. When he was found his wool was so overgrown and unwieldy, he could barely move. He was so grateful to be sheared that he held very still while all the layers and layers of dirty matted wool came off. Then he was able to run free again. I’m sure there’s a lesson there too…

Today our priest told us a little story in his homily. It was about a family whose house caught fire. When everyone had gathered outside, they realized one of the children was still in the burning house. They saw him in the window and he was crying out. His father told him he could see him, that he was there to catch him. The little child said he couldn’t see his father and he was scared. Again, the father said he could see him and encouraged his child to jump and he would catch him – and he did. Another spiritual lesson…

If Jesus is asking you to come and walk on the water today go to him. He will hold you up if begin to sink. He will catch you when you jump out of the burning building. He will hold you gently as he shears off the old growth. And his rainbow in the clouds is a reminder of his everlasting covenant with us.