Knowledge vs. Knowing

When I first returned to the Church it was a very exciting time. Aside from going to Mass several times a week I spent a lot of time reading apologetics books. I was also a member of an online Q & A forum where Doubting Thomases could ask questions and knowledgeable and faithful Catholics would give answers that aligned with actual Church teaching. I just couldn’t get enough of it. I would eat breakfast and lunch at the computer while reading the forum and then go back after dinner for more. When I wasn’t on the computer, I was inhaling books. I was utterly saturated and I loved it. I ‘drank the Kool-Aid’ long enough, now I was drinking the spiritual milk.

I wanted to join the RCIA team to share all of my ‘abundant knowledge and wisdom.’ Truthfully, I think I wanted to show off.  The group at that time were either seasoned and trained school teachers or experienced prayer group and bible study leaders. All of them had been involved in various ministries almost longer than I had been alive. I was completely and utterly out of my depth! Thankfully they tolerated my presence and, in their wisdom, I don’t think they ever called on me to lead a class. If they did, they surely picked up the considerable slack as I was often tongue-tied when it came to actually speaking about what I had read. This went on for a few years and the annual repetition of the lessons probably benefited me more than anyone that ever came through that program! So, I ended up knowing a lot about Jesus but I didn't really know him.

At some point, I realized I wasn’t making much progress in my spiritual life anymore and it was time to receive deep healing.  This took place over several years through different ministries in the Church, but clearing that initial dam of sin made a significant difference in how God was able to use me from that time on. This happened after I was prayed over for a release of my spiritual gifts and when I was baptized in the Holy Spirit.  It was like going from black and white to technicolor. I went from knowing intellectually that God loves me and all other human beings, to encountering the risen and living Christ. Finally, I knew Jesus, not just about him, and finally, I could share him with others!