Short break

 Yikes - it's been a week since I blogged. I will be away from my computer until Oct. 5 but then I'll be writing again. See you then!

Don't Lose Sight

 During my post-Communion prayer at Mass on Friday, I also thought about the current state of the world. I could get very depressed and hopeless thinking about it but I had this sense that Jesus was telling me to look at Him. This life is nothing but a short blip in all of eternity. We are not going to be on this earth forever. We do need to live a life of grace, but this place we are in mentally and physically isn’t the final destination. Take heart, friends. Pray, pray, pray. Offer up your suffering. Don’t lose sight of Jesus.

Five People in Four Categories

Instructions: If you could meet and have a deep conversation with any five people on earth, living or dead, from any time period, who would they be?

Name at least five people from each of the following categories: Saints, Heroes from your native country, Authors/Writers, Celebrities.

Saints: 

St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Bernadette, St. Maximilian Kolbe, St. Joan of Arc, St. Benedicta of the Cross

Heroes from your native country: 

Reina Prinsen Geerlig, WWII member of the resistance, the street I was born on was named after her

Anne Frank, German-born Dutch diarist

Titus Brandsma, anti-Nazi Dutch Carmelite friar

Queen Wilhelmina, Dutch queen from 1890-1948

Corrie ten Boom, Dutch evangelist and member of the resistance in WWII

Authors/Writers:

C.S. Lewis, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Pope Benedict XVI, St. Luke, St. John

Celebrities:

Jonathan Roumie, Anthony Hopkins, Audrey Hepburn, Anne Boleyn, Queen Victoria

Bewitched

I picked up the local paper this week and I have to say I was shocked that there was a full-page story on a woman that identifies as a witch. When I read the article, I wasn’t exactly angry, except for the last line, but I fear for this woman’s soul and everyone in her sphere of influence.

The article paints a very innocuous and inoffensive portrait of witchcraft and magic. This is the typical modus operandi of evil. Satan never shows up with horns and a pitchfork. He shows up today, just as he did in Eden, with a subtle promise of knowledge and a taste of forbidden fruit. He sees where we are curious, perhaps somewhat inattentive or hurting, and begins to groom us. Did that give you a shiver? Good.

However, even though satan is powerful it’s important to remember that he cannot read your mind. He is observant and can play on our vulnerabilities but only God knows your thoughts.

In the article, the woman being interviewed is quoted as saying she works in love and light. Interestingly, she used the description of light. As a Catholic Christian, I believe Jesus is the Light. For a witch, the light can only mean Lucifer, the fallen archangel. The evil one has manipulated a symbol of goodness to serve his own purposes. This woman has been bewitched and does not realize how she is being used. She thinks she has power but she is actually a pawn. 

The article goes on to talk about reincarnation. The Catholic church has always denied it and the bible condemns it. In Hebrews 9:27, St. Paul writes, and just as it is appointed for mortals to die once, and after that the judgment. The self-professed witch states she had experiences of past lives. I would say she is trying to apply some kind of meaning, however misguided and flawed, to her dramatic imagination. Francis Cardinal Arinze attributes these sorts of beliefs to “ the desire to escape the consequences of one's life choices and modern stress.”

As always, I cannot overstress the evil of Tarot cards and the Ouija board. So many people think these are fun or entertaining. They are actually doorways that demons can easily use to gain entry into your life. I even heard of a Wiccan who avoids the cards as she found them to be malevolent and controlling and claiming she had seen great evil come from the use of them.

The article concludes with a quote from its subject that she is not worried if we don’t believe her, that we are not where she is yet. And with that I smashed the newspaper shut and loudly said, Thanks be to our Almighty Powerful Living God that we are not!

*****

Seek the Lord while he may be found,

    call upon him while he is near;

 let the wicked forsake their way,

    and the unrighteous their thoughts;

let them return to the Lord, that he may have mercy on them,

    and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

Isaiah 55:6-7 

Hold Still

I wanted to write more about forgiveness today but I’ve had a hard day. I’ve been very busy suppressing all my emotions these last 6 months. In the beginning of the pandemic it was very hard because everything that I did, everything I was, was gone. I lost my job, my parish shut down, there was no more RCIA, I couldn’t see my friends, the opportunity to travel was taken away. But there is always someone that is worse off so you shut your mouth and carry on. Things began to open up after a few weeks so there was even more reason to stay quiet. I was also grateful to go to Mass again, see friends again.

Then today I was looking at a photography project from the UK called Hold Still. Looking through these 100 photos was like pulling a thread on a garment and watching the whole thing unravel. I started crying at the first photo and kept going until I reached 100. It was even worse when I clicked on the photos to read the back stories.

All that fear and anxiety that I had suppressed floated to the surface. I couldn’t stop crying. Finally, I had to go out to run some errands and visit a friend so I dried my eyes and off I went. But by the time I was making supper tonight that pressing sadness was back and I was crying into the potatoes.

It’s almost bed time now. The melancholy has lifted enough that I felt like posting something. I’m sorry this is so lame and self-pitying. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Forgiveness - Part I

Forgiveness. It’s a homily topic that I hate. Yet, it is totally necessary. We hear it several times a year. Many passages in scripture speak of it and for good reason.

Lack of forgiveness dogged me most of my life. In worldly terms, I would be quite justified in holding onto my anger. That’s what made it even more difficult when I came to realize I had to forgive if I was to live a joyful existence. To forgive is counter-cultural.

I remember when I first started going back to Mass and I had to grit my teeth during the Our Father. I truthfully couldn’t say, “as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

But when I came back to the Church, I wasn’t going to do it by halves. If I was in then I was all in. The Real Presence, confession to another human, being pro-life in all cases, and believing everything the Church taught regarding sex – that was relatively simple to sort out. I was open, I read some books, I got some advice and OK, I get it. Actually, it was a bit (quite a bit!) more involved than that. But forgiving certain people who had nearly destroyed my life - God, Thy will is hard.

I knew I had to address this but I had no idea how. You don’t just say you forgive because it’s the Christian thing to do. You have to mean it. I just couldn’t figure out how to get there.

Everyone I knew in the church had lived sheltered lives. I thought then and still do, that if people knew my whole story, they would stop being friends with me. Oh, they’d be polite and all. But in their humanness, they would still see me as tainted and even infectious, as if my past sins could be caught like a disease.

I asked a priest about that once and his advice was that some things are proper knowledge to the people in our lives and some things are proper only to God. I get it. It’s too much of a burden for many people to know about the ugliness in life. I’ve had people confess things to me and I wish they hadn’t. Once you hear it you can’t unthink it or unsee it. It takes some very special, highly graced people to help heal others.

Once I figured out that healing and forgiveness go hand in hand, I was ready for it. I was tired of feeling terrible. Then I learned that it takes time. I am not a patient person so this was hard. If God wanted me to heal and God wanted me to forgive then why did I have to wait so long? For me, the best way to learn is not to throw me in the deep end. It’s to take incremental steps. God knew that.

I didn’t know my healing would start with a Divine Mercy conference but it did. Three years later I went to a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. I had not had an abortion myself. Someone I knew had one and I will just say it had affected me and I could no longer speak to her and it was becoming an issue. It turned out that as much as I was affected by the abortion my real problem was unresolved feelings about my divorce.  They had some pretty astute counsellors at that retreat!

To be continued….

Update

 There hasn't been a post since last Wednesday because I needed a break to get some things done. I will try and post more this week!

Marian Consecration - Part III

Marian Consecration Part I is HERE and Part II is HERE.

The last few days before my Marian consecration was spent reviewing the lessons of the past 4 weeks. The book also reminded me of the duties I would be pledging to carry out and also the corresponding obligations Mary would take on in response. I liked it that it wasn’t all on me and it wasn’t all on Mary. We were doing this together, like mother and daughter.

A few days before the consecration I went to confession. I always find that a good confession facilitates an even more powerful experience of God working in my life, no matter what I am involved in. It’s like clearing a blocked pipe – everything runs more smoothly and efficiently after the junk is gone. Retreats, pilgrimages, teaching RCIA, praying for others, all of it is enriched and more effective after receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

I also needed a Miraculous Medal to wear as a sign of my consecration. Thankfully I already had one so on the day of the consecration I wore it and had my priest bless it.

Finally, the Big Day arrived! I was grateful that I had chosen January 1, the Solemnity of Mary, the Holy Mother of God, to be consecrated as it is a holy day of obligation. I went to Mass and immediately after I received Holy Communion, I prayed the Consecration Prayer. It was a more moving experience than I had anticipated.

The rest of 2016 was relatively uneventful though I did find new employment. I also participated in the Life in the Spirit seminars which I found tremendously rewarding. I would say that my consecration began to pave the way to fulfilling one of my lifelong dreams the following year, my pilgrimage to Lourdes. I’ll discuss that in another series of blog posts in the future.

Trust

O Christ Jesus, when all is darkness and we feel our weakness and helplessness, give us the sense of Your presence, Your love, and Your strength. Help us to have perfect trust in Your protecting love and strengthening power, so that nothing may frighten or worry us, for, living close to You, we shall see Your hand, Your purpose, Your will through all things.

~ St. Ignatius of Loyola

Marian Consecration - Part II

So what is Marian consecration? Consecration is the solemn dedication to a special purpose or service. The word consecration literally means "association with the sacred". You can see why I was initially hesitant to take this on – it is serious stuff.

I decided to go ahead with it because for the first time in my life I had the time to reflect on the material in the book. I also felt I had matured sufficiently in the spiritual life to see this through to the end. It wouldn’t be my typical mode of "start strong and end with a thud."

The timing couldn’t have been better as it was nearly Advent. As the liturgical year moved forward in preparation for the celebration of the Nativity, and in anticipation of the eventual return of Jesus, Mother Mary and I would be travelling together in purpose and service.

Despite the gravity of this undertaking, Fr. Gaitley promised his book would be an easy and updated way to enter into the blessings of being consecrated to Mary, and it was. It only took a few minutes to prayerfully read the daily chapter. Sometimes I would journal my thoughts or write notes in the margins. Daily pondering bore spiritual fruit -  praying the rosary took on a deeper meaning,  the fullness of Mary’s free will became clearer, and the role of the Holy Spirit was even more dynamic than I had imagined. I also found this method of preparation worked well with my natural tendencies as I tend to get bored or tune out when reciting long prayers, which make up a portion of St. Louis de Montfort’s True Devotion to Mary. 

Before I knew it, Advent was over, and Christmas Day arrived. My consecration date was one week away.

Continue here…

Darkness or Dryness

Is it the Dark Night of the Soul? Probably not. St. John of the Cross said sometimes people think they are going through a dark night when all they are going through is the result of their own carelessness, laziness, not resisting temptation, not being faithful in prayer, and not being with other Christians who can help them grow.

The darkness and dryness that can come into one’s soul from resistance to prayer and the things of the Spirit, is something you bring on yourself. Repent and return to the Lord. It’s so much easier to stay in spiritual condition, than to get out of spiritual condition and get back in it.

Inspired by a talk Dr. Ralph Martin gave on what we need to do to progress in our life in the Spirit. 

Marian Consecration - Part I

I had just been laid off and the days at home were endless. After working steadily for 25 years the time lay heavy on my hands. It was mid-November so the days were getting shorter and darker. My employed friends were at work all day and my retired friends had their own things to do. I was lonely and depressed. 

Thankfully I had a friend who had a day off during the week so we decided to meet for breakfast. As I approached our table I saw she was reading a book. The cover seemed familiar. It turns out I had seen it displayed at the religious goods counter at church. It was 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley. I was intrigued.

I had thought about making a Marian consecration before. I had tried to read St. Louis de Montfort’s True Devotion to Mary but the florid language put me off. I couldn’t make it past the first chapter. I was also wary of entering into a promise to the Mother of God that I might not be able to keep. I didn't  know how much Mary was going to require of me.

I asked my friend some questions about the process and she was very encouraging.  She gave me the book to flip through and I saw that the daily readings weren’t more than 2 or 3 pages long and they were written in Fr. Gaitley’s engaging and conversational style. As we talked about the preparation and subsequent consecration, I began to feel a sense of hope and excitement that I had not felt in a long time.

The book suggested following St. Louis’s advice to schedule the 33 days of preparation so they would end on the vigil (the evening before) of a Marian feast day. There was a handy chart to consult; the earliest I could start was Nov. 29 and I would be consecrated on January 1, Solemnity of Mary, the Holy Mother of God. It sounded like a very good way to start 2016.

Click here to continue…

The Seven Sorrows of Mary

August is the month devoted to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. I had every intention to write several posts about the Blessed Mother at that time but like most of my plans, they fell by the wayside. However, I reread some of my recent entries and Mama Mary does show up fairly often in the background. Her typical modus operandi is to pass by almost undetected, to never demand, only to point out, so I am not surprised.

Now September is upon us. Even as the summer winds down, or at least what passed for it up here, and the earth slows to a rest, it can also be a time of new beginnings. School starts again, parish activities resume (the public praying of the Rosary starts again next week!) and as we head indoors perhaps we are cracking open more serious books.

September is also the month dedicated to the Seven Sorrows of the Blessed Virgin Mary. This year that seems more relevant than ever. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed by everything. I am somewhat insulated from the stress as I have been at home after being laid off for almost 6 months but the isolation can get to me. As I write this, I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop so I can see and hear real live human beings. If I close my eyes, I can pretend I am a famous author writing outlines for my next bestseller, in a Parisian cafe. But I digress…

I’m more familiar with the Rosary and the Divine Mercy Chaplet so I had to do a little research regarding the Seven Sorrows of Mary. The sorrows are as follows; the prophecy of Simeon, the flight into Egypt, the Child Jesus lost in the temple, Mary meets Jesus carrying the cross, Mary at the foot of the cross, Mary receiving the body of Jesus, and Mary witnessing the burial of Jesus. You can read more about the Seven Sorrows by clicking HERE.

The Sorrow that especially resonates with me is the Fifth Sorrow. Mary is at the cross, watching her child suffer. Then Jesus tells John, and by extension, all of us, "Behold your mother.” Mary accepts her mission to become a spiritual mother to everyone at that moment. Mary is also our model as we nurture the divine life in others as their spiritual mother. St. Pope John Paul II wrote in his Letter to Women, that spiritual motherhood has “inestimable value for the development of individuals and the future of society.” It is a beautiful vocation.

There are times when I simply cannot relate to a sinless Virgin Mother with a perfect child, but a woman crying in anguish with swords in her heart, that has been familiar territory. 

Spiritual Dryness

I’ve been hunting through miscellaneous journals, workbooks, and clippings for blog inspiration. I found some good advice for dealing with adult children, prep work for RCIA classes, and notes on my trip to Lourdes. All good stuff! Today I also found some notes I’d made about spiritual dryness. I have a terrible habit of writing down quotes from others but not noting the author’s name. What follows is probably from another writer, maybe two, and I can also hear my own voice take over at times.

When we are dry, we are no longer giving to others out of our fullness. We feel empty or weary. We feel an inner reluctance or resistance to serve because we have no choice. Our motivation is that others are relying on us and we want to honor that commitment but we feel we really have nothing to offer spiritually. We distance ourselves from God.

I don’t need constant consolation to believe in him but there is a silence that isn’t normal. He hasn’t withdrawn – as a baptized Christian I know he is always in my soul. But there’s a blankness. It’s such a physical feeling of weariness that if Sunday wasn’t a holy day of obligation I wouldn’t bother to go.

It has nothing to do with trauma or any particular event – you just wake up one morning depleted. It’s like someone took a drawer out of a dresser. The frame is still there and the space that is left can still accommodate the drawer. You could pile up more stuff underneath but there’s still that void. You can’t 'fix' it. Doing the usual things like going to Mass and praying the rosary are just joyless items on the to-do list like dusting or dishes. They’re there, you do them, but you do it mindlessly.

The first time I had a dry spell I felt shocked. Why would God leave me? I did everything I was supposed to do – Mass, confession, bible reading, my ministries, I even had a good Lent. But faith isn’t about doing. I think he was showing me that for a time I just had to be a place for him.       

Eventually, the feelings of lethargy and nothingness lifted. I don’t want to go back to that place but sometimes I do let myself think about that time so I can balance my Martha tendencies with the necessity to also be a Mary.             

Crossing the Hecate Strait

I boarded the ferry to the Queen Charlotte Islands, as Haida Gwaii was known in those days, and found a seat for the 6-hour trip across the Hecate Strait. I made sure I was seated so I could face the window. The seasoned passengers had booked cabins so they could leave their possessions safely while they roamed the decks or went to the cafeteria. Other travellers bunked down around the perimeter of the main lounge with their sleeping bags and packsacks. I tried to settle in my seat but the back was at an uncomfortable angle. It was going to be a long trip.

In those pre-internet days, we read books, played cards, or talked to our travelling companions while we were on a journey. I opened my book and tried to concentrate but the young couple sitting behind me were talking and distracting me.

The man told his wife that the Lord had told him several things. She responded that the Lord had also communicated with her. They were very confident and self-assured about this. On and on it went, the two of them describing their mission from God. I was not used to people of faith talking about their relationship with Jesus. I thought it was bizarre and obnoxious.  I wondered if they were making a big show of it for my benefit.  I also wondered why they didn’t speak in hushed tones about their faith. You know, like a Catholic would.

Not that I really had a clue about what a Catholic would do. Even though I got myself to church fairly regularly I couldn’t have given you a confident and clear answer on much of anything the Church taught. My faith was more of a vague spirituality and a list of don’ts. 

After about 15 minutes of listening to this couple talk about their direct line to God, I was thoroughly annoyed and I tried to find another seat. I ended up near another couple. Listening to them speak German, which I barely understood, was preferable to listening to the Christian couple speak in English about things I could not understand at all.

Even in my aggravation I was also envious that they had this freedom to speak out loud about their beliefs and experiences. I really wanted that for myself but I didn't know how a Catholic could do that. I suspected Catholic Charismatics might be able to, but they were so foreign to me I didn't think I could bridge that gap or would even want to. Perhaps the Holy Spirit led me to that particular seat so he could stir my conscience and my soul, though it would be at least another 10 years before I experienced any real conversion.  

"For your mercies’ sake, O Lord my God, tell me what you are to me. Say to my soul: “I am your salvation.” So, speak that I may hear, O Lord; my heart is listening; open it that it may hear you, and say to my soul: “I am your salvation.”

After hearing this word, may I come in haste to take hold of you. Hide not your face from me. Let me see your face even if I die, lest I die with longing to see it.

The house of my soul is too small to receive you; let it be enlarged by you. It is all in ruins; do you repair it.

There are things in it – I confess and I know – that must offend your sight. But who shall cleanse it? Or to what others besides you shall I cry out?

From my secret sins cleanse me, O Lord, and from those of others spare your servant. Amen."

- St. Augustine

From Jealousy to Joy!

It shouldn’t amaze me that God can use our basest emotions to draw us to himself, but he does. You’d think God would call on our noble qualities, our quest for goodness, or our use of logic. Maybe he does with other people but not with me; he used my intense jealousy.

After my initial adult conversion at 22, I attended Mass regularly. By the time I was 24 I was getting divorced and between my ignorance of the Church, my non-compliant streak, and how often I slept in after a night out, I wasn’t attending Mass very often.

By the time my eldest child was preparing to leave for college, I had been remarried civilly for several years and my life had stabilized. With my children growing up I began to feel an emptiness that was deeper than just experiencing an empty nest. I considered going back to church consistently, but I felt like the Catholics wouldn’t want me as I was divorced. I had looked into a decree of nullity a few years earlier but the priest seemed insensitive so I hadn’t pursued it further. I considered going to the Christian Reformed church because of our shared Dutch background, but I didn’t think I could fit into their mold. I also thought about going to the Anglican church but I could not accept their beliefs on their communion. Then the sex abuse scandal exploded onto the front pages. I announced I was done with the Catholic church forever.

At the same time I would cry in frustration when I drove by the Church due to my self-inflicted exile. I still believed in the Real Presence and wanted to receive Communion, but I had not resolved my marriage impediment. I still desired to belong to a spiritual institution, but couldn't figure out where I fit in. As the abuse scandals raged on in the media I remembered our former bishop had to resign in disgrace 6 years earlier. I should've been happy I wasn't involved with the Catholic church but I was not. 

Then a family member began dating a girl who would bring him to Mass on Sundays. I figured he was mainly doing it to impress her because he had never shown the slightest interest in the church prior to this. I don’t know if he received the Eucharist but he could’ve – he wasn’t the one with a divorce and a subsequent civil marriage – I was! I was insanely jealous that he had the opportunity to receive Communion and I could not. I told myself that I understood the Eucharist, I knew it was Jesus, I had taught children preparing for their First Communions, and I had even been an Extraordinary Minister of Communion at one time. I was outraged!

It’s almost comical to look back on my reaction to this situation but at the time I was truly indignant. And jealous – so jealous! I wasn’t angry with my family member – I was angry with myself. I had painted myself into a corner by my own actions. So, I did the only thing I could do after announcing I was done with the Church – I went back!

It was the first Sunday of Advent and the parish had just welcomed their new priest that very day. He said he was from New York City and I felt an instant connection. Near the end of the homily, he invited lapsed Catholics to come and talk to him about correcting their situations. I was in tears before Mass was over and I sobbed all the way home. The Holy Spirit knew I needed to hear that invitation.

There were still obstacles to overcome but being invited to come back and work with the priest to sort things out was very appealing. I had always felt like a loner at church but this invitation made me feel I belonged. There was so much power in that invitation. I am so thankful that the priest was open to the promptings of the Spirit, to be the voice of Jesus inviting me home.